The Vanishing Future

And just like that, my writing ability has returned with a vengeance.  Let me fill you in a little on what exactly happened and what is inspiring everything.

For three years, I was with the man I thought I would marry.  I was madly and completely in love with him.  And he felt the same towards me for a long time.  And then he didn’t… for many reasons.  Life got too real.  I quit my dream job, I lost a friend to suicide, I moved twice, I competed in and placed at a pageant, I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, my grandfather died unexpectedly… and he met someone new.  A girl he always told me was so similar to me.  They spent more time together living hundreds of miles apart than I did with him while living at his house.  They’re officially together now, a mere month after he dumped me and she dumped her ex on the same day.  They planned trips together, they had secret late night conversations, they flirted incessantly.  In other words, he cheated on me in some way, shape, or form, but he can’t admit it.

I wrote this piece on November 3, which was shortly after I figured everything out.  This is about the future I always saw before us, always imagined when things were good or bad.  This was a vision I had with such clarity I could feel it in every part of my body.  It hurts knowing this is no more, that this is all gone.  But I’m also thankful he’s out of my life.  I will not be with someone who takes me for granted, who won’t support me, or who thinks some other girl that imitates me is better than the real thing.  In other words, you’re going to see a lot of hurt, angry pieces from me as I try to pick through everything.  I’m coming back stronger than ever, and I hope that will be seen each time I post something.

The future lay at our feet
You by my side.
Everything was right
Everything was where it should be.
But then, you said those words.
The ones that tore apart the vision
The ones tore us apart.

I tried to fight
After all, you were my everything.
The past three years
The next three years
The thirty years after that.

I saw our house
Our yard
Our dog.
I saw our families
I saw you laughing
I knew this was it.

The wedding photo burns
Forever in my mind.
So typically us
So in love
So happy
Ready to take on the world

But you said it.
Said this would never work out
Never get better.
You said you wouldn’t fight
Wouldn’t risk one more time.

You ripped up our future.
Shredded it all
Put it in the flames
Watched it burn as tears streamed down my face.
You made this bed.
Now you have to sleep in it.


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