Stitches

I can’t even explain this piece right now.  It’s far too fresh and actually scares me to see these words on a page.  All I can say right now is I once had a friend who abused me before trying to kill me, and I have recently come into contact with someone who reminds me a lot of her.  I’m starting to have flash backs to that time, and I’m terrified it’s going to rip the one I love away from me.

The tearstains tug at the skin on my face
My body shakes violently with cold.
Thoughts buzz around in my head
Yet nothing sticks for very long
The food turns to ash within my mouth
I can’t taste it nor do I care
My phone can’t hang itself up
Not that I want the dead air to stop
I have to pretend everything’s OK
Whenever my phone buzzes
But deep down my heart is bleeding
I’m terrified this is the sign of something more.

I fucking hate her so much
The one from my past that controls my present
As well as the one who is currently here
Reminding me so much of near death.
I can feel them ripping at the stitches
The ones I’ve sown for years to stop the pain
But mostly I’m afraid of them pulling you away
And I feel completely helpless to stop it.

Sam Smith Inspiration

I always feel bad writing pieces about my exes, considering I’m in a extremely happy relationship (5 months now!)  But sometimes, I just think of these poems and need to get them out.  I wrote this one while listening to Grammy winner Sam Smith’s song “I’m not the only one.”  This song always breaks my heart as I listen to it, and especially knowing I was in a relationship similar to what the music speaks about, I needed to get this out.  I tried not to use any of his lines, but some are definitely influenced by his lyrics.

You stay so distant
Closing me out all the time
Calling me crazy when I ask what’s wrong
But wanting me near
Wanting me back each time
You let the distance grow, making me fear the worst
Then you close it suddenly, welcoming me
You think I’m stupid
That I don’t know this game you pay
Some day, it’ll catch up
And then I’ll be gone

Walk On By

There are just some people that no matter how much time goes by, you still get angry when you see them.  This is the case with my ex, who I saw for the first time in  few months.  I think the sight of him angers me so much because of what has come out concerning our relationship over the past bit, or it’s the arrogance in his step, or the pretentious look he always has.  Either way, I always have to resist the urge to get up and punch him (I am not normally a violent person when angry), but I refuse to waste any more of my time on him.

I knew it was you a mile away
Didn’t actually need to confirm that
Of all the people to walk by
It had to be you after all this time

I can’t tell if you saw me or not
But I chose to look away
Didn’t want you to have a moment of my day
All I wanted to do, though, was stare you down

Walk on by, it won’t be fast enough
The clicking of those cowboy boots
Followed by the motor of your bike
I can still hear it now
Even though I just want it all gone

Submission

So I keep neglecting this blog, which I hate doing, but that’s what happens when life gets a bit crazy!  However, I figured I would share with everyone I have once again submitted a poem to Images Literatry Magazine, so fingers crossed.  I’ll let you know what happens as soon as I hear.

Names

Every relationship ends up with pet names, some of them better than others.  This idea came to mind the other day as I was driving and thinking about some of them.  This poem does not hold true with my current relationship, but rather all the past ones.  They stick as a reminder to me even now that sometimes, what someone says is not at all what they meant.

NAMES

Baby
Beautiful
Lil’ Momma
Good Looking
Babe
Princess
Dear
Chick
But worst of all was calling me Love
When I knew they’d never mean it

Secure

I’m still trying to figure out how to write poems concerning happiness, so bare with me as I try to navigate this field of writing.  My boyfriend and I have now been together for 4 months, which is absolutely mind blowing that it’s been that long, but also that it’s only been that long.  For once, I’m genuinely happy and feel secure in a relationship, and so I was trying to capture that feeling.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a new emotion I can write about.

It’s nothing like anything before
And I doubt anything after
It doesn’t have the sting and pain
But sometimes a little fear
It won’t make sense to some
Except it’s perfect to me
There is only happiness and luckiness
Nothing but love for once

Flight

I need to get better about posting on a regular basis.  I actually have poems to write, but have to find time to sit and do so.  I whipped this on off the top of my head in about 20 seconds, and am now posting it, all of 40 seconds after writing it.  It’s not a masterpiece, but I got thinking about the flight from Colorado back to New Hampshire, as well as about birds, so I wrote a brief poem about flying/ flight.

Weightless
Off the ground
Soaring high above the clouds
Looking down
Far below
The Earth moves
Ever so slow