Shadows

Full disclosure, the opening line to this poem was full inspired by Too Much To Ask by Niall Horan.  I love the lyrics in this song, and as soon as I heard that line, I knew I needed to use it in some manner.  It’s such a haunting, beautiful image to me.  I see it a few ways.  One, the physical shadow of someone is gone because they aren’t physically there.  Two, the shadow of that person is still there in memory.  Three, the shadow will always be there because they haunt or stay with you, depending on how you view the situation.  No matter what, all three scenarios are ugly and beautiful, painful and joyful.  It’s clearly complicated.  The rest of the poem blossomed around that one line, and I’m really happy with the end result.

Your shadow no longer walks next to mine.
My hand no longer reaches for yours.
I no longer listen for your heartbeat
As the sky outside gets darker.

The musty scent of you no longer lingers.
Lips no longer brush against each other.
The sound of your voice no longer wakes me
As the morning tries to slip between us.

Half of the bed is cold.
The passenger seat sits empty.
No arms pull me close.
I am all alone.

Advertisements

Nothing

 

First of all, thank you for all the support on my first post in months!  Getting the notifications that people were reading and enjoying what I wrote put a smile on my face.

I love the first stanza of this poem.  I didn’t even realize I had written it until I was editing it a few days after.  I didn’t plan for it to rhyme in any way.  I didn’t even know I did it.  At the moment I wrote this, I had found out my ex had likely cheated on me (as I mentioned before).  This was about how it felt knowing that, how it felt packing up everything of mine in his house that was otherwise stripped of me, and how it feels inside knowing he as done with me and I never saw it coming.  Writing this piece hurt.  Dear God, this one had me in tears.  But looking at it now, I’m so glad I pushed through that and put words to the screen.  This reminds me of how far I have come since those initial few days.  Although I’m still hurting, I feel stronger than a month ago.  And next month, I’ll feel even stronger.

Nothing I can do or say
Will ever make the pain
Of seeing three years thrown away
Become less
Disappear.

The notes
The cards
The messages
All in a trashcan
With empty beer cans
Used tissues
All the things you never want to see again.

It took you no time
No time at all
To erase the traces of me.

You washed them down the drain
Mopped them up
Swept them out the door
Drowned them in brown liquor
In some other girl’s flesh.

You threw me away
The pieces you couldn’t stand
The pieces you loved.
Like I was was nothing.

Nothing at all

The Vanishing Future

And just like that, my writing ability has returned with a vengeance.  Let me fill you in a little on what exactly happened and what is inspiring everything.

For three years, I was with the man I thought I would marry.  I was madly and completely in love with him.  And he felt the same towards me for a long time.  And then he didn’t… for many reasons.  Life got too real.  I quit my dream job, I lost a friend to suicide, I moved twice, I competed in and placed at a pageant, I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, my grandfather died unexpectedly… and he met someone new.  A girl he always told me was so similar to me.  They spent more time together living hundreds of miles apart than I did with him while living at his house.  They’re officially together now, a mere month after he dumped me and she dumped her ex on the same day.  They planned trips together, they had secret late night conversations, they flirted incessantly.  In other words, he cheated on me in some way, shape, or form, but he can’t admit it.

I wrote this piece on November 3, which was shortly after I figured everything out.  This is about the future I always saw before us, always imagined when things were good or bad.  This was a vision I had with such clarity I could feel it in every part of my body.  It hurts knowing this is no more, that this is all gone.  But I’m also thankful he’s out of my life.  I will not be with someone who takes me for granted, who won’t support me, or who thinks some other girl that imitates me is better than the real thing.  In other words, you’re going to see a lot of hurt, angry pieces from me as I try to pick through everything.  I’m coming back stronger than ever, and I hope that will be seen each time I post something.

The future lay at our feet
You by my side.
Everything was right
Everything was where it should be.
But then, you said those words.
The ones that tore apart the vision
The ones tore us apart.

I tried to fight
After all, you were my everything.
The past three years
The next three years
The thirty years after that.

I saw our house
Our yard
Our dog.
I saw our families
I saw you laughing
I knew this was it.

The wedding photo burns
Forever in my mind.
So typically us
So in love
So happy
Ready to take on the world

But you said it.
Said this would never work out
Never get better.
You said you wouldn’t fight
Wouldn’t risk one more time.

You ripped up our future.
Shredded it all
Put it in the flames
Watched it burn as tears streamed down my face.
You made this bed.
Now you have to sleep in it.

Overhauling

I know, I know.  It has been almost a year since I last posted.  In no way am I surprised by this, but at the same time, I am.  I have always tried to post what I’m working on.  Clearly, I failed.  I’m mostly posting to let anyone who may still read my work that I am alive and I am writing like crazy.  I have been going through some major life events and the only way I can cope is through creating.

So, with that in mind, I am overhauling this entire blog.  Over time, I will be redoing the look and feel of it.  I will begin sharing my pieces again.  I will keep writing.  It’s going o be a long process.  I’ve been on here since 2013, so four years worth of editing, tweaking, and manipulating will take some time.  There will be growing pains.  I’ll be the first to say that.  But, it will all be worth it in the end.  I promise.  Thanks for sticking around and supporting me through the years, even when I was a terrible blogger.  I’m hoping you’ll stick with me through the redo process.

The Ground

Apparently, writing before midnight is suddenly a thing I do again.  I’m still not sure how I feel about this newfound need to write, considering it means the world around me is falling apart…

This poem has a LOT behind it.  Tomorrow, I am leaving what I thought was my dream job. Just when I thought I was on solid ground, when I thought I knew what I was doing for the next few years, I’m ripping it out from under my feet.  It’s been a long time coming at this point, but still, it’s a shock to me.  Additionally, I am feeling like my relationship is on rocky ground again.  And for the first time, I can’t see the future ahead in it.  I can’t even begin to explain how much that just hurt to write.  I seriously burst into tears, my chest hurts, and I want to throw up.  But, it’s true.  It hasn’t seemed right in a while and I don’t know why.  And lastly, I’m even wondering if I’m in the right place anymore.  I feel trapped all the time here.  I need to escape.  But I don’t know where to is the problem.  And even if I did, I’m not sure where I want to disappear to.  I know there are a million other things as well, but these three factored into this poem.  That uncertainty is the black.

I can’t tell if it scares me or not.

THE GROUND

I feel the ground shift under my feet
It’s been doing this for a long time now
But I can no longer ignore it.

The earth splits beneath my feet
My left foot on one piece, my right on the other
But I stand frozen.

The crack gets bigger
Threatening to swallow me
But I simply stare, watching the black below emerge.

I can’t go either way
I’m not sure which direction is right
But I can’t stay where I am for long.

The crack gets wider and wider
The ground trembles more violently
So finally, I jump, straight into the black.

Haunting

This guy might have taken a while to find the right words, it might be written just before midnight, it might take some of you by surprise that I am actually posting something I wrote, but here it is.  To be 100% honest (aren’t I always, though?), I am terrified of this poem.  I actually have a lot of things I will be writing that I am scared of sharing with the outside world.  These are things I’m afraid to admit to myself.

Yes, this was written around midnight.  Yes, I am a little cold, despite currently sitting in Phoenix, AZ.  No, I am not writing about the fan overhead.  I am writing about distance and memories.  I have recently had some of my darker past resurface.  Meaning, the things I have tried desperately to forget about are resurfacing and I am trying to confront them.  At the same time, I am fearing an insurmountable distance forming between someone I value highly in my life.  I think both things are related, but I don’t know how, or why, or how to overcome either of them.  Instead, I feel like the ghosts are finally coming to get me… and it’s not a very good feeling.

It feels like there are ghosts in the walls
Reaching their hands out from the plaster.
My skin is pricking constantly
But it never settles back down.
I’d say this place is haunted
Except everywhere I go is seems to be now.

I can’t tell what is colder
My heart or the air around me.
Bitter cold envelopes everything
I think I see icicles forming around the windows.
My breath comes out in puffs of white
Mirroring the figures in the walls.

I feel them closing in 
There’s a chance I will lose my mind
But is it really mine anyway?
Just make it quick, I beg of them
Silence greets my ears in mocking tones.
Darkness embraces me at last
But the cold is still in my bones.

New Project

Alright, I know I promised to be better about writing poetry and quickly failed at that.  In my defense, I started a second job working weddings this summer, graduated from college, got a promotion from my main job, have been trying to volunteer, took on a project horse in a different town, and started a new blog!

I am beyond excited about the possibilities with The Bookworm Queen.  Reading and writing have been huge factors in my life, yet both have fallen by the wayside recently with everything else going on.  I’m hoping this new blog will help me get the creativity flowing again so I can begin writing more, which in turn will lead to more poetry and posts here.

If you’re interested in the journey, please check the new blog out and give me a follow!