Sorry, Folks

OK, so I haven’t posted in nearly a month, which I am aware of, slightly.  I have suddenly gotten extremely busy with work and life, meaning I would often fall asleep before I processed the day’s events.  I also just got home from a family reunion in Canada, which was great fun,but left me without Internet for a week (I highly suggest gong without Internet or you phone for a week.  It’s amazing).  Basically, I’m saying I haven’t forgotten about you who have been supporting me, which is why I am writing this note.  I promise I will be back soon, but I’m super sick right now and am actually about to go take a nap.

False Memory

I cannot explain how vivid the image I wrote about was when I thought about it.  I could almost smell the various scents in the Colorado wind, feel the heat of the sun on my skin, and see him so clearly I thought we were in the same place.  I honestly thought he would have a harder time with us being apart, but I’m very quickly realizing how much he means to me and just how much I miss him.  I have about a month and some odd weeks before seeing him again, and time is slowly creaking by.

You stand in front of me
Looking at me intently
Your face half hidden from the sun
A smile slowly spreading across you face
As the wind plays with your hair
For once without a headband or hat
Your sun kissed skin glowing
Radiating the sun’s warm.

You tilt your head back laughing
Maybe at something I said
A memory you just remembered
Or a million other reasons
You always laugh so easily
And that’s when I realize
This isn’t you

It’s been two long months now
Since I last saw you
Last was you in presence
Each day passing brings you closer
But never fast enough for me
The image of you has blurred
Mixing with other things
Movies, pictures, people on the street
Creating a false you in my mind

I never thought it would be this hard
Although I should have known better
I count down the time left
The time still apart
It gives me solace
Knowing we’ll be together again soon
Just a little longer
Just a little longer

In Progress/ Completed

I finally figured out how to add on and end the poem I posted earlier that was incomplete.  I ended up taking it in a different route than my first intentions were, but this way seems to fit my thoughts better.  Sometimes, the possibilities of being with someone from your past are endless, and that’s my issue.  However, I know things wouldn’t have lasted or gone well, and the relationship I’m in now has lasted three months, half of which have been 2,000 miles apart.  I think it can be said I made the right choice, and I will not argue that, but I just need to remind myself of that when things with the current boy get tough.  That is still a work in progress.

I toss and turn each night
Rehashing the same thoughts as the night before.
Fearing my internal war will someday come out
Afraid I’ll hurt someone I’m beginning to love.

You’re the center of my thoughts
The chaos you brought into my life
The way you’d drive me mad
The way I fell for you so easily
Like it was meant to last.

But you decided it wouldn’t
That you couldn’t be with me
So we split, only to come back together
Once again it was like we were to last
Your arm around me in public
Introducing me as your girlfriend
We were finally going somewhere

In the end I called it quits
Leaving you and your excuses
The choice was the right one
But the unknown still gets me
What if I stuck it out?
Where would we be now?

It hurts too much to think about the possibilities
That maybe I should have stayed with you
But in the end he was the right choice, not you
And now I just need to remind myself
I was falling for him while you were breaking me

“Best Friend”

I’m straying a tiny bit from my usual topic of guys I’m dating/ have dated, and decided to write a poem about my best friend.  To be honest, I’m not sure I can give him that title anymore, as he no longer has time for me, or any other person, due to his girlfriend.  It’s been like this for months, but I’m really just starting to understand my feelings about it.  I used to think I was jealous of another girl in his life, but I now know I’m jealous that she’s ALL he care about and the only one who matters.  That is my issue, and nothing will fix it until he decides to do something about it.

I can’t seem to let him go and everything we shared
You’re already thinking of the wrong one
My best friend is vanishing before me
Actually, I doubt I can even call him that
So much time has passed and even more distance
Not the literal sense, but the figurative one.

I suppose I can’t be completely surprised
But here I am, at a loss in some ways
About a boy I used to be together with non-stop
Whether we were off on an adventure or making out in his room
We were never far apart, even when he moved

But now I understand completely why it is
I get angry at myself for thinking that and then mad at him
Mad that he replaced me and everyone else
All for a girl, a girl I like, but at the same time can’t stand
The jealousy of them together is not over a brief fling with him
But rather the bond we have a friends being ripped apart
Her nails being the one ripping the seams

I know ho much he loves her and cares about her
All I ever want for him is to be happy
But it’s hard to sit by and watch as he changed who he is
As he claims he’s always been that way
It’s hard to sit back and watch him making choices he will regret
My protests, if I spoke them, would fall on deaf ears

For once, I’m not jealous because he choice her over me
Where I can sit and say I’m prettier, or better, or whatever
Instead it’s a jealousy of taking my friend
The one that had my back as much as I had his
Who I can no longer go to when I need someone
I have to let him go, though, but it hurts more than I imagined

In Progress

I never share poems that are incomplete, as I feel that shows a lack of professionalism, or something like that.  However, I have been thinking long and hard about this poem, and have truly hit a wall I can’t get past.  Maybe the problem is this is an entire poem, and I just don’t realize it, or maybe I don’t have the right words to use for the stuff I want to add on.  I decided to share this as is, so you can see what a piece of mine looks like in progress, but also to get some help if anyone has any ideas.

I toss and turn each night
Rehashing the same thoughts as the night before.
Fearing my internal war will someday come out
Afraid I’ll hurt someone I’m beginning to love.

You’re the center of my thoughts
The chaos you brought into my life
The way you’d drive me mad
The way I fell for you so easily
Like it was meant to last.

HERE

 

Stressful

I have been beyond busy, stressed out, and driven insane the past few weeks.  I am dealing with moving in, while simultaneously moving out, of my parents’ house, finding and losing a job, returning to a beloved old job, hating the politics at a different job, and trying to keep my relationship alive as distance makes it difficult.  I’m not trying to whine, nor am I looking for sympathy, but these things have kept me from writing.  I decided to use the things keeping me from writing as inspiration, but I think this is a flop.  Hopefully, though, it unclogs all the garbage blocking my creativity.  Guess we’ll find out, won’t we.

Cleaning up and clearing out
Trying to find a home for everything
Dust flying in the air
Making eyes water and noses run
Slowly transforming a child’s room
Into a guest one

Looking for a job
Finding a long wanted one
Dealing with condescending people
Being the new kid
Only to have it not work out
Back in the unemployment line

Still at the other job
Working with an ex
Trying not to draw attention
Hoping to quietly pass through
Before leaving and going back west

Staying loyal to a boy
Two thousand miles away
As the ones here try to catch an eye
Barely speaking to the one missed most
Having to trust him unconditionally
And hoping he is doing the same

Crazy 

 

War

Yesterday, I finished Tom Phelan’s novel, The Canal Bridge, and felt a nagging feeling I needed to write about it.  I hate WWI more than other wars because I think it was  a stupid war where millions of young men were sent to be slaughtered for no reason, and that’s exactly what this book included.  I won’t go into detail, as I’m hoping many other people read it, but it doesn’t end the way you would think, which is why I can’t forget about it (it also made me cry, and I never cry while reading).  The poem below can be applied to any war, although I had WWI in my mind as I wrote it.  It can be applied to WWII (D- Day is on Friday) or Vietnam, or whatever we want to call the Middle East mess we’re in now.  And just like The Canal Bridge, I tried to end it in a manner you wouldn’t see coming.  I hope I did this book, and the memories it included, justice.

They fell in love at a young age
Hushed promises made
The future planned out perfectly
When he came back, their life would begin

But then the War happened
He was shipped off with a brief goodbye
The promises he made still on his lips
She watched him walk down the front steps
Unsure when, or if, she’d see him again

The War raged on, never ending
He watched the life leave countless eyes
Whether from the bullets or explosions
He felt the muck fill his boots
The stench of death assaulting his nose
The horrors kept coming
He became immune

She remained at home
Anxiously waiting for his return
Or worse, the letter telling his fate
Everything she did reminded her of her soldier
But nothing could bring him back to her
Only the end of the fighting could do that

The fate of these two is unknown
They have no names or faces
But rather embody millions of people
Maybe he did die on the front lines
And she cried when the letter came
Maybe he came home, a shell of himself
And she was able to fix him
Or maybe it was a thousand other options
But no one knows, and few others care