Should’ve Been

As always in my life, a month has made things completely different.  I am no longer seeing the guy I was most recently with, and who I wrote about for the three months I was back home.  This poem is about the process in deciding to end that relationship, which was terribly difficult.  I had fallen in love with him, and a part of me will always love him, no matter what.  However, it was no longer possible to be with him- we were picking at each other, which would have led to fighting, and when we weren’t doing that, we weren’t speaking.  I miss what I had with him originally, as I truly feel like he cared, and I would like to think he still does, as I still care about him, but I have no idea what he thinks.

The time for us had passed
It was time to move on
But I found myself stuck
Unable to let you go
Even though it needed to be done

You never realized I had fallen in love
Or maybe you knew all along
Hence why you left when you did.
I would like to think you had no idea
Oblivious to what was in front of you
But somehow, I find that impossible

Saying I was leaving was the easy part
Doing it was a hundred times harder
I found I couldn’t form the words
Wasn’t willing to utter them
But I needed to, before I lost everything
And I still remember it.

I don’t regret what I decided
Leaving you should have happened sooner
But when push came to shove
It was next to impossible.
I felt my heart break right then
Thinking of what could have been, should have been
But never was and never will be.

Ideas

It has suddenly dawned on me that I haven’t posted in exactly a month, which is pretty upsetting, considering I have a ton of material I could have written about.  However, that is not to say I still won’t be using it, but I have to focus on school/ work more often than not.

On a different note, Happy 86th Birthday to my Grandpa.  He won’t see this post simply because he’s not the most tech savvy gentleman out there, but I can at least pretend he will!

Him

I’m back to writing about my ex again, only this time it’s not about my demons regarding him.  Instead, it’s about everything that was wrong and how I made the right choice in leaving.  I know I made that decision and I’m happy I did everyday, regardless of what a few little voices in my head say.  Because I left him, I found an amazing person I have been with now for five months, who decided trying long distance was worth it, and who makes me smile more often than not.  I can never hate my ex, but I can hate what he did to me.

I hate what he did to me
How he made me feel crazy
How he made me second to everything
How he felt it fair to leave me
How he saw other girls immediately
How he tore my heart out and left it
How he made me think I was worthless
How he became part of my stories
How he mattered to me so quickly
How he could never care too much
How he made it all seem alright
How he knew he was moving on
But I can never hate him
Because he made me find something real

Demons

There is a saying out there that says “to find out how many demons someone has, see how many drinks they have.”   I have found this to be true with people in my life, but finally experienced it for myself the other night.  I couldn’t tell you the number I drank, but we’ll just say I lost a battle to my demons that I fight so hard everyday.  The ugly monster that has been plaguing me once again is my ex, which kills me.  I thought I had finally come to peace with that part of my life, especially as I am falling more and more in love with my boy each day, but all it took was some vodka to undo it all.

They slip from my mouth effortlessly
My defenses weakened by an inner warmth
Brought on by a cold, clear liquid
My focus blurred and speech stuttering
I know I need to stop, to fight them
My demons fighting hard and winning.

The memory of us fresh in my mind
My thoughts always return back to you
The sentences laced with your name
My body remembering you clearly
Your lips on mine, your arm around me
My demons grow stronger still

I can’t fight it anymore
My monsters won this battle
The feeling of failure fills me
My enemies finally defeated my army
We all have these creatures clawing to get out
Mine finally saw the light of day and refuse to retreat

Reunited

I am excited to report that I have returned to my home of Colorado, where I find so much inspiration. Hopefully, this is the beginning of many more pieces to come.

This guy is about the boy and me seeing each other for the first time in three months. I’m sure many people have experienced the same feeling I did when seeing someone for the first time in a while, regardless of your relationship (significant other, friend, family). For me, walking to his front door was terrifying, as I was afraid we would be different (in a bad way). I was lucky this time, and that walk to the front door turned out to be well worth it.

Nerves pulse through my veins
I cut the ignition, pocket my keys
Touch my feet to the pavement below
Hoping to God we’re still the same.

I walked up the stairs, heart in my throat
Knock three times and wait
Your voice sounds from somewhere inside
Beckoning me forward.

My hand on the door makes it creak
As my eyes adjust to the darkness
You on the couch, looking at me
And that’s when I know

You pull me in close
Just to give me a kiss
The sparkle in your eyes says it all
We made it now, reunited again

Ready or Not

I finally have a short poem to share, which of course comes in the middle of a tornado of packing and getting ready to drive back to school!  I better return to it, but I’ll have normal, full length poems back soon.

Three months down to three days
Time keeps marching on
The distance between will shift
The question now is if it’s a go
And will I be ready or not

Sorry, Folks

OK, so I haven’t posted in nearly a month, which I am aware of, slightly.  I have suddenly gotten extremely busy with work and life, meaning I would often fall asleep before I processed the day’s events.  I also just got home from a family reunion in Canada, which was great fun,but left me without Internet for a week (I highly suggest gong without Internet or you phone for a week.  It’s amazing).  Basically, I’m saying I haven’t forgotten about you who have been supporting me, which is why I am writing this note.  I promise I will be back soon, but I’m super sick right now and am actually about to go take a nap.