I hate writing this piece right now for two reasons. The first is it was ten times better in the shower than it is now. The second is it’s about a stupid fight with my boyfriend, which is tearing me apart inside. I know as soon as I post this, we’ll be over it and fine, but right now, it sure doesn’t feel that way.
The distance between us feel like leagues
Your back is turned from me
I don’t know why, but I turn away too
I guess I fear the worst
I always do.
You finally ask if I’m awake
But I feel no better after talking
You pull me in close, but not like normal
There’s still space between
I can’t make it to away.
I’m jumpy and rigid
Unable to sleep for awhile
I try not to let the tears escape my eyes
My chest feels tinny, my heart acting strange
I’m terrified more than you know.
This past Saturday, I saw my ex for the first time in weeks. I used to see him almost every other day, and then nothing, so I was quite concerned about him. I decided to write this poem about what I witnessed that night, and all I could feel for him was pity. There was nothing else there- no lingering emotions (which I thank my current boyfriend for), no wishing or longing, absolutely nothing other than pity and concern. It’s sad to see him to do this to himself, and even sadder that he knows he’s doing it to himself. All I hope for is that someday, he finds what he’s looking for/ needs.
I see you standing there
Beer in your right hand
Flask in your left
Looking forlorn at what was ahead
Even though it was simply a hockey game
We talk because I need to see how you are
You disappeared for weeks
I began to worry more than I should
After all, I once loved you
And still feel something for you
I guess I just care
But all I can feel is pity
Watching you drown yourself
That amber liquid making you fuzzing
Changing you into something you’re not
Except you’ve made that you
No one knows any different
I want to scream at you
Tell you to stop destroying yourself
That our past is in the past
All I want is for you to be happy
It makes me cry inside to see you do this
To watch you destroy what I see
It humors me how people think I will never find things out, even when it’s well after the fact. I just found out my ex, when we were possibly still together, was trying to get other girls. I’m not saying I’d be angry about it now, since we’ve been done for a month and since I’ve moved on, but it fired me up knowing he had the audacity to try something like that before we were. Anyway, I wish this piece came out better, as I got the inspiration from “Crazy” by Patsy Cline (beautiful old country song, if you don’t know it). I think part of the issue is I have other ideas floating in my head, and they’re all starting to mush together. We’ll see though!
I know you think I’m crazy
Simply because I cared
Because I spoke my mind
Because I’d fallen for you
But you’re the crazy one
Thinking I would never know
About the other girls eventually
You were such a fool.
For all I know, we were done by then
But something tells me no
A sneaking suspicion tells me it was when I was gone
But I won’t let it rule my thoughts
Not anymore, at least
I’ve moved past your games
Maybe you’ll find someone else
And she’ll drive you insane in
As always in my life, a month has made things completely different. I am no longer seeing the guy I was most recently with, and who I wrote about for the three months I was back home. This poem is about the process in deciding to end that relationship, which was terribly difficult. I had fallen in love with him, and a part of me will always love him, no matter what. However, it was no longer possible to be with him- we were picking at each other, which would have led to fighting, and when we weren’t doing that, we weren’t speaking. I miss what I had with him originally, as I truly feel like he cared, and I would like to think he still does, as I still care about him, but I have no idea what he thinks.
The time for us had passed
It was time to move on
But I found myself stuck
Unable to let you go
Even though it needed to be done
You never realized I had fallen in love
Or maybe you knew all along
Hence why you left when you did.
I would like to think you had no idea
Oblivious to what was in front of you
But somehow, I find that impossible
Saying I was leaving was the easy part
Doing it was a hundred times harder
I found I couldn’t form the words
Wasn’t willing to utter them
But I needed to, before I lost everything
And I still remember it.
I don’t regret what I decided
Leaving you should have happened sooner
But when push came to shove
It was next to impossible.
I felt my heart break right then
Thinking of what could have been, should have been
But never was and never will be.
It has suddenly dawned on me that I haven’t posted in exactly a month, which is pretty upsetting, considering I have a ton of material I could have written about. However, that is not to say I still won’t be using it, but I have to focus on school/ work more often than not.
On a different note, Happy 86th Birthday to my Grandpa. He won’t see this post simply because he’s not the most tech savvy gentleman out there, but I can at least pretend he will!
I’m back to writing about my ex again, only this time it’s not about my demons regarding him. Instead, it’s about everything that was wrong and how I made the right choice in leaving. I know I made that decision and I’m happy I did everyday, regardless of what a few little voices in my head say. Because I left him, I found an amazing person I have been with now for five months, who decided trying long distance was worth it, and who makes me smile more often than not. I can never hate my ex, but I can hate what he did to me.
I hate what he did to me
How he made me feel crazy
How he made me second to everything
How he felt it fair to leave me
How he saw other girls immediately
How he tore my heart out and left it
How he made me think I was worthless
How he became part of my stories
How he mattered to me so quickly
How he could never care too much
How he made it all seem alright
How he knew he was moving on
But I can never hate him
Because he made me find something real
There is a saying out there that says “to find out how many demons someone has, see how many drinks they have.” I have found this to be true with people in my life, but finally experienced it for myself the other night. I couldn’t tell you the number I drank, but we’ll just say I lost a battle to my demons that I fight so hard everyday. The ugly monster that has been plaguing me once again is my ex, which kills me. I thought I had finally come to peace with that part of my life, especially as I am falling more and more in love with my boy each day, but all it took was some vodka to undo it all.
They slip from my mouth effortlessly
My defenses weakened by an inner warmth
Brought on by a cold, clear liquid
My focus blurred and speech stuttering
I know I need to stop, to fight them
My demons fighting hard and winning.
The memory of us fresh in my mind
My thoughts always return back to you
The sentences laced with your name
My body remembering you clearly
Your lips on mine, your arm around me
My demons grow stronger still
I can’t fight it anymore
My monsters won this battle
The feeling of failure fills me
My enemies finally defeated my army
We all have these creatures clawing to get out
Mine finally saw the light of day and refuse to retreat