I’m back to writing about my ex again, only this time it’s not about my demons regarding him. Instead, it’s about everything that was wrong and how I made the right choice in leaving. I know I made that decision and I’m happy I did everyday, regardless of what a few little voices in my head say. Because I left him, I found an amazing person I have been with now for five months, who decided trying long distance was worth it, and who makes me smile more often than not. I can never hate my ex, but I can hate what he did to me.
I hate what he did to me
How he made me feel crazy
How he made me second to everything
How he felt it fair to leave me
How he saw other girls immediately
How he tore my heart out and left it
How he made me think I was worthless
How he became part of my stories
How he mattered to me so quickly
How he could never care too much
How he made it all seem alright
How he knew he was moving on
But I can never hate him
Because he made me find something real
There is a saying out there that says “to find out how many demons someone has, see how many drinks they have.” I have found this to be true with people in my life, but finally experienced it for myself the other night. I couldn’t tell you the number I drank, but we’ll just say I lost a battle to my demons that I fight so hard everyday. The ugly monster that has been plaguing me once again is my ex, which kills me. I thought I had finally come to peace with that part of my life, especially as I am falling more and more in love with my boy each day, but all it took was some vodka to undo it all.
They slip from my mouth effortlessly
My defenses weakened by an inner warmth
Brought on by a cold, clear liquid
My focus blurred and speech stuttering
I know I need to stop, to fight them
My demons fighting hard and winning.
The memory of us fresh in my mind
My thoughts always return back to you
The sentences laced with your name
My body remembering you clearly
Your lips on mine, your arm around me
My demons grow stronger still
I can’t fight it anymore
My monsters won this battle
The feeling of failure fills me
My enemies finally defeated my army
We all have these creatures clawing to get out
Mine finally saw the light of day and refuse to retreat
I am excited to report that I have returned to my home of Colorado, where I find so much inspiration. Hopefully, this is the beginning of many more pieces to come.
This guy is about the boy and me seeing each other for the first time in three months. I’m sure many people have experienced the same feeling I did when seeing someone for the first time in a while, regardless of your relationship (significant other, friend, family). For me, walking to his front door was terrifying, as I was afraid we would be different (in a bad way). I was lucky this time, and that walk to the front door turned out to be well worth it.
Nerves pulse through my veins
I cut the ignition, pocket my keys
Touch my feet to the pavement below
Hoping to God we’re still the same.
I walked up the stairs, heart in my throat
Knock three times and wait
Your voice sounds from somewhere inside
Beckoning me forward.
My hand on the door makes it creak
As my eyes adjust to the darkness
You on the couch, looking at me
And that’s when I know
You pull me in close
Just to give me a kiss
The sparkle in your eyes says it all
We made it now, reunited again
I finally have a short poem to share, which of course comes in the middle of a tornado of packing and getting ready to drive back to school! I better return to it, but I’ll have normal, full length poems back soon.
Three months down to three days
Time keeps marching on
The distance between will shift
The question now is if it’s a go
And will I be ready or not
OK, so I haven’t posted in nearly a month, which I am aware of, slightly. I have suddenly gotten extremely busy with work and life, meaning I would often fall asleep before I processed the day’s events. I also just got home from a family reunion in Canada, which was great fun,but left me without Internet for a week (I highly suggest gong without Internet or you phone for a week. It’s amazing). Basically, I’m saying I haven’t forgotten about you who have been supporting me, which is why I am writing this note. I promise I will be back soon, but I’m super sick right now and am actually about to go take a nap.
I cannot explain how vivid the image I wrote about was when I thought about it. I could almost smell the various scents in the Colorado wind, feel the heat of the sun on my skin, and see him so clearly I thought we were in the same place. I honestly thought he would have a harder time with us being apart, but I’m very quickly realizing how much he means to me and just how much I miss him. I have about a month and some odd weeks before seeing him again, and time is slowly creaking by.
You stand in front of me
Looking at me intently
Your face half hidden from the sun
A smile slowly spreading across you face
As the wind plays with your hair
For once without a headband or hat
Your sun kissed skin glowing
Radiating the sun’s warm.
You tilt your head back laughing
Maybe at something I said
A memory you just remembered
Or a million other reasons
You always laugh so easily
And that’s when I realize
This isn’t you
It’s been two long months now
Since I last saw you
Last was you in presence
Each day passing brings you closer
But never fast enough for me
The image of you has blurred
Mixing with other things
Movies, pictures, people on the street
Creating a false you in my mind
I never thought it would be this hard
Although I should have known better
I count down the time left
The time still apart
It gives me solace
Knowing we’ll be together again soon
Just a little longer
Just a little longer
I finally figured out how to add on and end the poem I posted earlier that was incomplete. I ended up taking it in a different route than my first intentions were, but this way seems to fit my thoughts better. Sometimes, the possibilities of being with someone from your past are endless, and that’s my issue. However, I know things wouldn’t have lasted or gone well, and the relationship I’m in now has lasted three months, half of which have been 2,000 miles apart. I think it can be said I made the right choice, and I will not argue that, but I just need to remind myself of that when things with the current boy get tough. That is still a work in progress.
I toss and turn each night
Rehashing the same thoughts as the night before.
Fearing my internal war will someday come out
Afraid I’ll hurt someone I’m beginning to love.
You’re the center of my thoughts
The chaos you brought into my life
The way you’d drive me mad
The way I fell for you so easily
Like it was meant to last.
But you decided it wouldn’t
That you couldn’t be with me
So we split, only to come back together
Once again it was like we were to last
Your arm around me in public
Introducing me as your girlfriend
We were finally going somewhere
In the end I called it quits
Leaving you and your excuses
The choice was the right one
But the unknown still gets me
What if I stuck it out?
Where would we be now?
It hurts too much to think about the possibilities
That maybe I should have stayed with you
But in the end he was the right choice, not you
And now I just need to remind myself
I was falling for him while you were breaking me